


Sin of My Own

by Jesonomi



Category: Original Work
Genre: Dreaming, Self-Judgement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27828880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jesonomi/pseuds/Jesonomi
Summary: I do not sin under God, I sin under myself, my gaze, my judgement.
Kudos: 2





	Sin of My Own

I am a sinner. Not under God, not by God's eyes, but my own. I carry the weight I've picked up, the weight I have given to myself. It is beyond my capacity. I grow smaller and smaller with each passing moment under my sins. Things become more out of reach. Everything is further away but the dirt beneath my feet. The dirt I become closer to. The dirt I will become less than. If I will disappear eventually, let me disappear sooner, let me disappear now. Deliver me from this burden, so I may receive my final judgement.

I scoop at the dirt with my hands and throw it up above me. Heavier. More weight. More. Enough pressure that I may be crushed. Bury me with it, like I never even lived. But it's never enough. I keep digging deeper, but the added load never breaks my body. I strain, scream, cry, clawing at the ever increasingly hard dirt, but I'm still stuck. Let me out. Let me go.

When I succumb to sleep, I’m haunted by nightmares. Constantly waking and crashing, I feel no peace. Sometimes, though, I feel my night terrors are more pleasant than the waking world. A dark world submerged in blood, only lit by red light from the horizon. The smell of iron is so heavy, but the blood is so warm. It is my own life force that I sit in, silently and still. The black sky cracks open with white streaks, and enemies crawl out. My blood flays their flesh, pierces their bodies, silences their voices. I stand, and the horizon’s light begins to dim. The darkness turns absolute as I reach the bodies and kneel over them. When the light creeps back from beyond the world’s edge, I’m sitting where I started, reclining in the blood. A red circle climbs the horizon, giant and looming. It turns upward, an iris and pupil coming into view, and looks at me. The red light is cast by its gaze, and only grows in intensity. But I stare back unflinchingly.

I wake up with a jerk. The ground is cold, and my back still aching with weight. The fatigue makes me feel nauseous. I put my hand to my chest. I can’t seem to find my heartbeat there anymore. It was simple as a child. Easy. But the soothing rhythm of my pulse, it evades me. Perhaps I do not deserve it.

My hands shake as I claw at the dirt again.

**Author's Note:**

> ? - 122 (2020)


End file.
